Where is sweetmaddy?

Running route 2

It’s been hard for me to share as many food-centered posts in the past few months. I do still cook frequently and bake relatively often, but I doubt you want to read about the Thanksgiving pie I made with store-bought (albeit delicious, French butter-laden) crust and stringy (due to lack of blending tool) home-roasted pumpkin, or my nourishing but not exactly blog-worthy meals of veggie stir-fry, grilled cheese, roasted chicken thighs, and risotto made with the cheapest food I can find in my chic, Eiffel Tower quartier.

Even fromage has Christmas lights

Even fromage has Christmas lights

Is it completely obvious that I’m kind of resenting my situation these days? It’s time to face the facts: I’ve been here for 14 months and my money is running out. My lack of real job and real paycheck is becoming harder and harder to ignore. I’m tired of not having a career path! While I love being here and I have been profiter-ing it up (wandering, croissants, creamy melty chocolate found for cheap at Monoprix, wine all the time, museums, cafe reading/writing/people-meeting, friends, making discoveries, singing, etc) I’m starting to think that this vacation might need to end soon.

Reading on the Seine sous soleil

Reading on the Seine sous soleil

When I decided to come here, my return date was unknown. I had a feeling I would love France, and I was right. I always yearn for home but this is now home #2. The thought of leaving seems so impossible. This is who I am now – a girl who lives in Paris. I’ve fulfilled one of my desires in life and learned French, and now I get to use it and perfect it every day. This is the exact wrong time to leave. Going home feels like it would be a defeat. Like I would be giving in, taking the easy path, and throwing away a wonderful future. If I leave now, I will just be another 20-something living in the Bay Area, with no more idea of what to do than I have right now. And would my French go the way of Friendster?

In a way though, I feel exactly the same about staying. I don’t know what job I would get here either. I would be throwing away an easier, warmer, and family- and burrito-filled life in the Bay Area for an expensive, cramped, dirty, and freezing cold life in Paris. Plus, if I end up falling in love here and having kids, I would be dooming them to a life of seeing their extended family quite infrequently – something that I have always vowed to avoid at all costs for my future kids, if they end up existing.

After writing this, I am realizing that this post isn’t really about which country to live in, although that is a condundrum. I am just lost. I have so many ideas of what I want to do and I don’t know where to start and if any of them will ever work out. I feel like I am not “fill-in-the-blank-with-all-my-insecurities” enough to accomplish any of my goals. The only solution to starting out any of my possible career choices is needing a ton of money that I don’t have. I can’t seem to get around this roadblock…

tall shadows

I don’t want to be depressing, I just want to be real. I am still happy and I find light and joy every day. But, I have all these thoughts in the back of my head all the time, and I needed to get them out. I also know that I am not the first person to have these feelings. I realize that it’s very common for people in their 20s, but I imagine that through many stages of life this problem can occur.

Are you lost? Are you found? Do you feel stuck like I do, or do you have it all figured out for the moment? If so, how did you do it?

Foggy tour

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